


Without Her

by Between_A_Dream



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: Angst, Brotp, Drama, F/F, Friendship, LISTEN UP ASSHOLES YOU ASKED ME FOR THIS, Pain, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 05:09:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16549526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Between_A_Dream/pseuds/Between_A_Dream
Summary: Nicole can’t sleep without Waverly. Maybe Wynonna can’t either.





	Without Her

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I really have no excuses for this one I’m just an asshole.

On any other night, Wynonna would’ve convinced herself she was hearing things, or at least she would’ve been able to ignore the sound of muffled crying in the middle of the night. But, this was not any other night. She was wide awake anyway, too overwhelmed with guilt and anger to even think about sleeping yet, and it was a sound she was unable to tune out.

A bottle of untouched whiskey sat on Wynonna’s dresser directly across the room, once a relentless temptation but now barely more than a decoration, worthless as an old gum wrapper flattened against the sidewalk. She could hold her own gaze in the reflection of the amber liquid- A pair of lost, wandering eyes, lacking so much as a suggestion that they had once burned with purpose. She could never look for long, unable to convince herself that her face had truly been reduced to such an indistinguishable mask.

A quick glance at the digital clock on Wynonna’s nightstand informed her that it was 3:28 AM, and though it didn’t surprise her it worried her nonetheless. She knew who the source of the crying was and where she would find her, but Nicole had barely spoken more than a few words in the past few days since finding out about- Well, everything- And it didn’t appear as though this time would be any different from the previous three. She wasn’t even sure if Nicole had gotten any sleep since.

The Earp woman had learned the pattern of the floorboards in the homestead and every step she took was premetidated, ensuring that she would not cause the wood to creak. As she had expected to find, Wynonna could make out through the sceeen door the figure of the ginger woman sitting on the steps of the front porch, only illuminated by the moonlight still able to find its way through a thick layer of clouds.

“Wynonna,” it was not a way of greeting the elder woman, or of asking her what she was doing, but instead Nicole’s way of acknowledging her existence, making it known that she was aware of the eyes burning into the back of her skull. Her voice didn’t sound the same anymore. It wasn’t just the voice of someone with a broken heart, but someone who lacked one entirely. Bitter, distant, hesitant- Of the few times she’d spoken at all in recent days, her words had come out as if they didn’t belong to her.

“Haught,” Wynonna echoed back after a moment, unable to address the officer by her first name. If she were to have tried, she knew it would only be cut off by a sob halfway though. She paused for a few moments before approaching with caution, relieved when she swung the screen door open and was not met with protest. The wooden planks of the porch squeaked and shifted too loudly under her feet, but she wasn’t bothering with silence anymore so she paid it no mind. As she let herself sink down as well, Wynonna could feel her muscles aching with every flinch.

Between Nicole’s knees her hands remained tightly clasped around a mug of what Wynonna could only assume by the smell was tea, but it sat completely untouched, and there wasn’t an obvious answer as to whether or not she even remembered she was holding it. Everything Wynonna had come to associate with Nicole was now completely thrown to the wind. Her posture had been the straightest thing about her, her head was always held high and confident, and she remained constantly vigilant, simply out of force of habit. Her demeanor now resembled that of a frightened kitten, lost and helpless without its mother to guide it.

But honestly, was she any better? Every time she let her eyes slide closed for even a second she was back, lying helplessly at the bottom of a staircase she couldn’t see and forced to watch as her sister was dragged away screaming. And then, she wasn’t even allowed to go in after her, and instead she had to watch Doc step through the forcefield like it was Jello and disappear in after her. There was no guarantee that she would ever see either one of them again, and nothing she could do to influence that result.

If there was one thing Wynonna couldn’t handle, it was not having control over a situation. Normally that wasn’t a problem for her, because previously, even when staring into the demonic eyes of revenants, she at least had the one thing that seemed to always come through and save her in the end. But now Peacemaker was a sword, Waverly was an angel trapped in paradise, Doc was somehow allowed to go in after her, and Wynonna... Well, she was no longer the heir, no longer the hero her sister had named her as. Without Waverly by her side, she was nobody.

And Nicole? It was unclear if Nicole was _anything_  at the moment. Absent. Fractured. Devoid of any semblance to her former self. It took her well over a few moments to process that Wynonna was sitting next to her, though the revelation didn’t provoke any sort of reaction. She’d given up trying to hold back her tears and now they were falling freely, caressing the curvature of her cheeks as they streaked across her skin in silence. Her thoughts had abandoned systematic organization long ago and were now a jumble of word vomit echoing through her head.

She wanted to be so angry with Wynonna. She wanted to stand up and rant in the elder woman’s face, make her feel all the things that Nicole couldn’t feel. She wanted to watch the guilt form as she pointed out how stupid it was that the former heir was constantly putting herself in dangerous situations that she couldn’t handle on her own but always tried to anyways because she had to prove she was a worthy hero. And Nicole wanted to cry- To fully sob and break down- While she shouted about how she could’ve saved Waverly if she would’ve been there, if Wynonna had let her be there.

She wanted to do all these things, in whatever order she was able to stumble through, but she had already dedicated what little energy she still possessed to sitting up straight, and as much as she wished she could, she didn’t blame Wynonna. There was no one to blame in this scenario, no one on their side anyway, and she knew that the elder of the two sisters would have gladly traded positions with Waverly before she’d even finished thinking about it if she could. And since Nicole shared that exact disregard for her own importance in comparison to Waverly, she couldn’t even convince herself that she was mad at Wynonna. Suddenly, she felt an arm hesitantly slide around her shoulders and her initial reaction was immediately to tense, but slowly she relaxed and leaned into the brunette’s side, carelessly setting her tea on the ground only for it to tip over and stream across the barren dirt. No one said anything about it.

“You should uh... You should probably get to bed,” Wynonna’s voice cut through the silence that had engulfed them like a razor, and she sat up while removing her arm from around Nicole’s shoulders. The officer sniffled once and shrugged, her gaze fixated on the ground where a damp stain had formed in the dirt. “Come on Haught, this isn’t good for you. You haven’t been eating either. Have you even slept once since Wa-” Wynonna cut herself off with a sudden jerk to her voice and she swallowed. “Since um... You found out?” she finally settled on. Nicole refused to look the Earp woman in the eye as she shook her head no briefly.

“Nicole...” Wynonna let out a compassionate sigh, placing a firm but comforting hand on the officer’s shoulder. She realized she was being hypocritical, considering she hadn’t slept yet either, but she was more concerned with Nicole’s well-being than her own. “Why not?” The redhead bit down on her lip slightly, embarrassed to say something that sounded so cliché in front of Wynonna. “Nicole, seriously, this isn’t safe, you have to go to bed. If you want I can even give you some sleeping pills, they’re over the counter but they usually do the trick. But whatever you do, you _have_  to do something! Your body can’t function without sleep, you’ll start to hallucinate and slip in and out of consciousness, and once you-“

“I can’t sleep without her!”

Wynonna stumbled on her words and trailed off after a few moments, trying to process what she had just heard.

“What?”

“I said I can’t...” Nicole bit down on her lip to choke down a whimper, “I can’t sleep... Without her.”

She let her head fall forward as a few remaining stray tears made their way slowly down over her face, her lip quivering as she did her best to hold herself together. Wynonna stood motionless above her for a few passing moments, then suddenly her arms were around Nicole and the two women were locked in a tight hug.

It was true- Even with Nicole actively trying night after night for the past three days, she had found it impossible to relax enough to let herself fall asleep. It started the day they had given Alice to Gus to be safely taken away from the paranormal world of Purgatory, and they had come to a silent agreement that neither of them wanted to spend the night alone. After that, it became almost routine for Nicole to spend the night at the homestead, to the point where nearly all of her pajamas and a fair amount of her casual day clothes were intermingled with Waverly’s. Sleeping next to someone didn’t make the nightmares go away, but having her girlfriend’s comforting embrace to wake up to made the flashbacks fade faster and the panic attacks less frequent. Over the past five months of their relationship, Waverly’s room had unintentionally become _their_  room, but in the brunette’s absence the atmosphere had become foreign.

Neither of the two women were sure how long they stayed embraced in their hug, but the sky was growing lighter though it was not yet sunrise, and it was Nicole who eventually pulled away to wipe at her inflamed cheeks. They walked back inside silently and trekked slowly up the stairs. After sharing an understanding glance, Wynonna reached out and squeezed Nicole’s shoulder reassuringly.

“We’re gonna get her back Haught, alright? Doc is... He’s gonna save her. He’ll save her, and... And if he can’t... We’ll figure out something else. She’s strong, Nicole. And we... We’re gonna be okay, even... Even, without her...” it wasn’t clear whether or not the older woman was trying to convince Nicole or herself, but either way she followed her words with a reaffirmed nod before turning and making her way towards her bedroom.

Nicole hesitated in her position in the hallway, staring down the dark corridor even after Wynonna had disappeared from sight, and it was the sound of rain beginning to fall on the roof that broke her fixation and allowed her to make her way back to their bedroom. Even from the doorframe the physically familiar setting was no more significant than the room of a stranger. It was never a room that was very well lit, but somehow even in darkness Waverly’s presence always made the atmosphere brighter. She let out a small, dissatisfied sigh as she laid back on the bed which once offered her relief and curled up beneath the four-blanket layer they always slept with that felt like it shut them out from the rest of the world. But now, no matter what position Nicole eventually decided upon in her hopeless attempt to get comfortable, she always found there was a cold, undisturbed half of the bed beside her.

The pillows on Waverly’s side and the blankets still smelled like her, a blend of the cucumber mint shampoo she used with her favorite strawberry perfume- And though it was no substitute for the sleeping form of woman she had fallen hopelessly in love with, she held a pillow against her frame, wrapped one of the blankets tightly around herself, and closed her eyes. It was wishful thinking now, that the lingering aroma on the fabric would somehow provide Nicole with anything beyond a tearful reminder that she may never again run her fingers through Waverly’s damp hair after a shower.

They might never again abandon date night in favor of building a pillow fort with the couch cushions and watching movies all night on Nicole’s laptop. They may never again dance in the kitchen and try to poorly hush their giggles as they bake 3:00 AM cookies while it rains outside, or compete against each other on Halloween to see who is the best at freehand carving pumpkins, or lay beside each other and make plans to travel all over the world someday. Waverly could be gone- Honestly, permanently gone- But it was too soon.

There were still so many things Nicole wanted them to experience together. It wasn’t fair that it had to be her. Why did she have to be the literal daughter of an angel? It wasn’t at all a shocking revelation, but it did hurt more knowing someone as pure hearted and loving as the younger Earp sibling was potentially suffering. If she had the choice, Nicole would’ve endured the pits of Hell for the rest of eternity if it meant saving Waverly.

Tear-stains quickly began to form on the pillow but they were disregarded, if not then completely overlooked altogether. The steady rhythm of the rainstorm against the roof and the side of the house did nothing to mask the sound of her cries, but it was a comforting sound nonetheless. As the smell of strawberries hit her nose, she could still picture Waverly, beautiful and smiling as always, in sight but never in reach. So, Nicole laid there without her, clinging too desperately to a plush gel pillow- Still awake, but motionless in bed. In _their_  bed. She didn’t bother to muffle herself when she cried.

From somewhere down the hallway, she could hear Wynonna crying too.

**Author's Note:**

> So, what did you think? This obviously doesn’t follow the show plot in terms of Valdez and the gang suddenly being missing when Wynonna got back to the Homestead, or maybe it does and just takes place after they are all reunited, I don’t really know. What I do know is that I had this idea and then I honest to god started crying in the middle of the fucking cafeteria and my friends were seriously concerned, so I’m just hopeful no one else on campus saw that! Anyway, let me know what you guys thought about this! I promise I am working on a couple of updates right now and they should be up pretty soon!


End file.
